How to be a pedestrian: a simple guide on crossing the street

A friend of mine out here in Oakland requested that I write a post on how people in this city do not know street-crossing etiquette. My friend did not suggest the topic as elegantly as I just previously described it, but I'm getting there. Just gotta get myself a little worked up a bit before the sparks start to fly.

First off, it should be known that there are many crosswalks in the middle of the street, not at lights, that privilege pedestrians with the right of way. I have experienced this in other places. At certain street corners where a traffic lights are absent, it is only right to afford the pedestrian with the right of way, because then no car would ever let anyone cross the street. I don't even mind when people cross the street in these places. They're allowed to. They're supposed to. I do it when I'm walking, and expect traffic to stop for me. It's just how crosswalks work, ya know? Of course, you sometimes get the person with no judgement or sense of distance/speed, and they just decide that they want to cross the street at that exact second because they can do whatever they want. They still have the right of way, and if I don't think I'll drive through the crosswalk without hitting them, I'll stop. Yeah, I'm that asshole.

But, pedestrians are assholes, too. Especially around here where everyone takes their sweet ass time doing everything. A five minute walk turns into a 30 minute adventure. My brain has gradually adjusted my concept of time to better suit that of the west coast... but it's still tough.

My point is that some people really don't get the concept that cars drive faster than people walk, and if you're going to interrupt traffic at a place where there are no crosswalks, then you need to be quick. You should be running. No, you should be sprinting. You gotta have some pretty huge balls to be such an overt asshole with the prospect of even possibly causing an accident and/or your own death.

So, back to Oaklanders and their inability to properly cross the street. There are lot of crackheads and disabled peopl in this area. People with bum legs. People in wheelchairs. People tweaking from withdrawal. I am in no way trying to compare crackheads with genuinely handicapped people, but they're all slow movers- that's the point. They also seemingly choose to not even look before crossing the street (perhaps their necks don't move very well?). They're ready to cross, so they put their good foot on the pavement and drag their other one along with them. Seriously. It's that painful. Like, dude, I was just driving 45mph and now you're moseying across the street, unsure of your destination, and interrupting the normal flow of traffic. And there's probably a crosswalk you could have used, so that the cars at least expect that someone may be crossing the street.

I really just can't comprehend any of it. If it is going to take you upwards of 25 seconds to cross the street, then you shouldn't be walking in front of traffic. You should be waiting for the lit up man to tell you when it's safe to cross.

To summarize how to properly and safely cross the street without angering anyone, all you really have to know is:

1. Be at a crosswalk

2. Wait until there are no cars very near to such crosswalk, so cars have time to stop and not hit you while you attempt your treacherous walk across the street (given this is not at a light that tells you when to walk)

3. Walk when the lit sign says it's okay (when you're at a light)

4. Don't cross when the countdown says you only have 1 second- who are you kidding? you won't make it, and you will only further piss off the non-pedestrians.

5. It is okay to cross the street when you don't have the right of way if there are actually no cars in sight. Don't think you can outbeat the car. Yes, they'll most likely stop for you- but you're being an asshole. Why couldn't you just wait the 30 seconds for the light to change? The car gets through the intersection and you get to safely cross the street. I'd say that's a win-win for everyone.

6. If you're a particularly slow moving person, don't make everyone else suffer for your inabilities. Cross when you can, stick to the crosswalks, and don't crazily run into the middle of the street expecting no cars to be around, because that's just silly.

Safe street crossings to everyone!